Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
