so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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