I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
