she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
