I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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