nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
