He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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