his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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