In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
