I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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