cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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