I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
