Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
