This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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