I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
