my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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