My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why can't burritos get me drunk
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
is that a dick in a sweater?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
