Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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