I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
