I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
