I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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