she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How does one acquire holy water?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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