This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
