Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
