I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
