I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
