I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My liver just had a heart attack.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
