so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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