My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
birth control should be required to get into college
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
