she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
