I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize