Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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