Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
