yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
