So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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