I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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