im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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