Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
