my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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