I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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