Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize