I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
