Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
