Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I checked into jail on foursquare
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
