Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
