I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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