I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
