I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
