You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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