I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
