Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I could fuck to npr.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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