i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
