this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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