Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
