Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
barbara walters just said penis...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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