bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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