sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
