yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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