I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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