dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
